


Maybe I Don't Deserve To Be Saved

by dreams_of_destiel (fOreverer)



Series: Is It Getting Bad Again [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Dean, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 06:09:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2802356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fOreverer/pseuds/dreams_of_destiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel reaches Dean in time to save him, from his suicide attempt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe I Don't Deserve To Be Saved

**Author's Note:**

> One possible outcome of Dean's suicide attempt.

It was Sam who had called, but Castiel found himself going to Dean. Sam had seemed distressed when he called Dean’s name, Castiel could only assume that he needed help. He had been expecting to find the pair caught up with some demons, outnumbered and in a precarious situation. He had not been expecting to be called to a quiet motel room.

Too quiet. Neither Winchester was in the room, though the angel saw a duffle bag that he recognized as Dean’s, lying, opened, on the only bed that occupied the room. That suggested the brothers were taking some time apart. Castiel absorbed all this information in a split second, before he turned his attention to the bathroom door, that stood ajar to his left. A strip of light between door and door-frame told him that someone was inside. With cautious fingers, Castiel pushed the door away from him, and stepped into the room.

Dean was slumped on the linoleum floor, head lolling forward, towards his chest. A pool of blood extended from his body, it seemed almost to grow as Castiel looked on. Castiel felt a jolt run through his body, as the horror of the situation washed over him. For a moment he thought the hunter was dead, then he picked up a faint life force emanating from the broken body.

_Dean_

The angel was by his side in seconds. He placed a hand on the thigh where, Castiel could see, a jagged opening lay. As the wound healed, Castiel became aware of the warmth of the blood- this couldn’t have happened but moments before. But none of that concerned the angel right now. Dean was opening his eyes.

For a moment Dean did nothing but blink groggily. Then he saw the angel kneeling at his side.

“Cas?”

“Dean” Castiel found he could not say anything else, a distinctly human affliction.

Then the hunter began to weep in earnest and it was all Castiel could do but to hold back his own tears, as Dean clutched at his own hair, then Castiel’s coat.

“Why?” his voice sounded absolutely wrecked, Castiel felt an ache for the broken man in front of him, that he had worked so hard to rebuild, to save.

“Dean” Castiel re-found his voice, though he had to swallow hard to do so “I”

“NO!” Castiel was shocked by the hard shove that sent him halfway across the room.

“Why, why, why...” his voice was quieter now, it sounded like the beginning of a panic attack.

“I healed you, that’s why you’re...” “Why me!” the anger was back now, though it was laced with a breathlessness that alluded to his underlying distress “Why me?”

“You...”

“I don’t deserve to be saved!” Dean held his head in his hands, hair raked back by furious fingers. “I didn’t deserve it the first time and I certainly don’t deserve it this time”

“That’s not true, you do deserve-”

“WELL I DON’T WANT IT”

Castiel could do nothing but stare and finally Dean returned the gaze. His eyes held a wealth of emotions, they always had, but never had Castiel seen them so sad before. So often Dean put up a barrier, between him and the outside world, but now that was gone and it was frightening.

“I don’t want to be saved.”

“You don’t mean that”

“I promise you I do. I don’t want to be here, I don’t deserve to live, when so many good people are dead”

“What about Sam”

“He’s better off without me” Dean’s voice broke as he spoke, he turned away with a brief shake of his head.

“Everyone is”

“Please stop” Castiel’s found it a struggle to speak, he felt paralysed.

“You should have let me die”

“Dean don’t”

“I was actually going to do it, do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to do this and you just TOOK IT ALL AWAY FROM ME. IT’S NOT FAIR, MOST PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A FUCKING ANGEL WHO CAN SAVE THEM AT THE LAST MINUTE”

“I-”

“How did you even find me? Was it Sam? Well, did Sam tell you that I’ve tried this before? I know what I am, I know what I deserve.”

“He didn’t.” “And I wasn’t even fucking around with wrists, again, not this time, this time it was the real deal”

“I knew about the last time.” “What” Dean was taken aback, cut off mid-rant. Castiel was surprised that he’d gotten this opening, but decided he’d take it.

“The last time. You had two scars, one on either wrist. Well, you had plenty of scars, but these were different, these were vertical and deeper and even eight years later, they were visible.”

“How do you...?”

“When I rebuilt your body I decided to take away all of your scars. You didn’t deserve reminders of the pain you had suffered.”

“Says who?”

“Says me” Castiel had Dean’s begrudgingattention now. Dean was still in a way that told Castiel he was listening intently.

“You had suffered so much and I knew you would suffer some more and I wanted to make that as easy for you as I could. You deserved that, you deserved to be happy and you still do.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“What?”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to off myself. You’re saying that because that’s what you have to say, that’s what you’re supposed to say.”

“How would I have any idea what I’m _supposed to say_?” Castiel couldn’t keep the incredulity from his voice. Dean actually turned to look at him, in his surprise.

“I have no idea what I am _supposed to say_ it has led to several awkward instancesin the past, as well you might remember.”

Dean let out a low chuckle, it seemed so foreign, so wrong, given that both of them were still covered in his blood.

“Remember that time you told that chick her dad hated his job at the post office?” Dean was laughing unabashedlynow. “It’s been ages and that is still one of the funniest things that has ever happened”

“I think you might be exaggerating slightly”

“Dude, it was awesome” Dean smiled, a genuine smile, before falling silent. It wasn’t uncomfortable, so Castiel waited a moment before speaking.

“Do you have any idea how much you mean to Sam?”

Dean groaned, letting his head knock against the wall behind his head.

“He called out to me in such distress that I knew it was you, not he, that was in trouble.”

“He’d be okay without me” Dean’s eyes were closed. Castiel had a feeling that this was harder for him to say that anything he had screamed earlier had been.

“Hell, he’d be better off without me.”

“Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?”

Nervousness andembarrassmentwere still such strange sensations. Castiel wasn’t embarrassedby what he’d said, he merely feared that he’d said too much. Still, if ever Dean needed to hear it, the time was now. “My brothers and sisters were right when they questioned my loyalty to Heaven. You changed my perspective of the world and everything in it”

Dean was looking at him now, mouth open slightly.

“My loyalty has been to you, almost from the moment we met.”

“Cas”

“I know that it is strange for you, to be praised, to be told you matter. But you do.”

“I...”

“I would be lost without you” Castiel declared, throwing caution to the wind “And I certainly wouldn’t be better off without you. Please know that.”

“Whoah Cas, heavy much” there was a touch of amusement in Dean’s voice, though it was very much countered by something that resembled awe or shock.

“Says the guy who just tried to kill himself”

“Okay, well, guess I deserved that one”

“We’ll help you, Sam and I”

“That’s not your problem”

“I want to” Cas was adamant, as he stood up “and I’m sure Sam does too.”

“Could you bring me to him?” Dean’s voice was quiet and he remained on the floor. It was so strange to see the Dean Winchester, hero and protector, looking so vulnerable.

“After we get cleaned up and I’m more...stable?”

“Of course” Castiel took a step towards Dean and extended a hand.

“Thank you” Dean allowed himself be pulled to his feet, then he pulled Castiel into a hug, gripping him tightly to him.

In that moment it seemed like everything would be okay. The world was okay again.

 

 


End file.
